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What Will Barack Obama Save First?

written 8 Nov 2008 while the school buses headed home

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Now that the election is finally over we can all breathe again, but only for about two months. The world is expecting quite a bit from our new famed leader, and he has effectively promised us salvation. Now all that we can do is wait until he smites George Bush, presumably with some type of fire and/or brimstone, and try and guestimate what our new President will save first. Here are my top picks:

• Foreigners. Foreign people by nature are not from America, and so they likely need saved the most. I know it’s hard for many hard working Americans (also known as “illegal immigrants”) to imagine, but there are places in this universe that aren’t within the United States of America. It’s sad really, and that’s why I’m assuming Obama will save foreigners first. Once he’s done this, there will be more Americans to save.
• The Date. There’s a lot of talk about “saving the date” and I think it’s time a President does just that. I would personally prefer if he saved August 3rd, because that’s really one of the better days in my opinion. All we know for sure is that he doesn’t have to save March 12th, because that’s my birthday and really is already doing okay.
• By the Bell. A lot of people don’t realize that, though there were a lot of efforts to save things by the bell, the bell has not been saved by since the 1990s. Yes, all of the hard work that Zack and Slater and that girl from 90210 and, of course, Screech, did in the last decade has all gone to the wayside and that’s why I predict Obama will Save, or possibly be saved, by the Bell soon after his inauguration.
• 10% of his Paycheck. Every good kid’s parents tell them that you should save about 10% of your paycheck, at least, for a rainy day. After all, with the Internet, you’re more likely to spend money on rainy days than you would other days of the week.
• The Whales. After all of this time, the whale’s still haven’t been saved. No one can really be blamed though, whales are very large and therefor often very difficult to save. You can’t just light a match and all of your problems will disappear, not when it comes to Earth’s largest mammals.
• Nets. Safety nets have been saving trapeze artists and lunch lady’s hairdos for years now, I think it’s time that someone saved them a little back.
• Old Copies of his Favorite Magazines. The problem with magazine subscriptions is simple: you spend your life working hard to be able to afford to have at least five or six subscriptions to magazines so that when friends come over they’ll see the latest copies of Wired or Reader’s Digest or Home and Gardening and Garages and recognize how smart and similar (or better) you are to them. But in order to appear as hip and up to date as you are, you need to get a new magazine every month. You’re left with a bunch of old magazines, and you don’t want to throw them away because you paid for them! So you save them, of course, in a box in the basement or possibly you keep them all stacked up under your coffee table “just in case” anyone might want to read a 3 year old article about current events of the time. If normal Americans can save magazines, I think that the esteemed leader, High President Barack Obama, could probably do an ever better job saving them. He could probably save them twice as well as we could.

While none of this is written in stone, it is written here on my website, and one thing’s for sure: Barack Obama probably needs a cape.

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